I am a day late starting this challenge. I had thought of writing on a more consistent basis because it helps me to get the words out so they don’t cling to my subconscious in a vicious manner, sometimes trying to destroy my good thoughts or to distract from the happiness I am trying to live in, in the moment.
Surely writing a page a day won’t be too difficult, even if it is utter nonsense that no one else cares about, I am committed to getting it out of my head and onto the page.
These long winter days play havoc on my mind, and my depression. Add to that a schedule at work of 12 hour shifts all over the place and 60+ hour work weeks and I have become a huge ball of emotions. I don’t see my husband enough, I don’t see my daughter enough, nor do I see my friends enough. I feel the time I do spend with any of them is not quality time because I am not myself, I feel over tired most days. The long dark days pull at my psyche telling me to hibernate until the long days of summer are here again.
The holidays are and honestly will always be hard for me. I have this push and pull in my heart. This push to make the holidays the best with my little family and make our own traditions. Then there is the pull wanting me to retreat into memories of past holidays, that usually make me feel like I am missing so many important things. I hate missing the holidays with my nephews and my niece because my sisters and I said we would always spend the holidays together with our kids. I know these hopes and dreams that you have when you are a small child shouldn’t hold you in an emotional prison when you are older, but when my sister died, I feel so locked into these things. Each year that I am not able to stick to this agreement we made before we were even old enough to start thinking about our own kids , I feel like I fall farther and farther away from my family.
I put this pressure on myself, that no one else puts on me, and then it puts me into this tailspin of over thinking, and feeling like I am not doing enough. The thing is…I am the only one even thinking about these things. No one else is worrying about this, or feeling guilty about not spending holidays with me. Everyone around me, and my other family is perfectly content with how it is working out. I just need to come to terms with this and move on, why can’t I manage to do this?
I was speaking with a friend tonight about my daughter too. My daughter is a smart, funny, beautiful soul. She cares deeply and hurts deeply. I am afraid she is like me in that way. Since moving to the new school this year I see her blossoming more into this person that I know she is going to be for the rest of her life. She is wonderful, and she is learning something new every day. She LIKES to read now, she likes to draw and write and is very creative. Then why do I worry about her constantly? She has a few great friends and they do get together quite often, but I am afraid she isn’t going to be a very social person. Which she is perfectly content with her life and who she is. Why do I worry about these things? I was always a social butterfly, but Trev was like Maddie is, he is a very likable guy and everyone loves him. I sometimes think that in the quiet my mind just likes to make me think that things can’t possibly be that good, so I must self sabotage.
It is a constant struggle to keep my mind on a positive road, but I do try every single day to not travel down the path of negativity. Sometimes life is hard, but my life is no where near as hard as a lot of people have it. I have to let the bad stuff roll off, and let the good things fill my mind and heart. It’s just exhausting having to remind myself of this every single darn day. Here we are though. New Year, 2017, I vow to make it a more positive year from the inside out.