An 11 year olds grief

As a parent I am always trying to protect my daughter from the world. It is not because I want her to be oblivious to the way the world works, but rather I want to make sure she can have a childhood. I was naive to think we would make it until she was through her teenage years without a big event that directly effects her life.

She was so stoic when Justin passed away.  I could see this person that was not an 11 year old at all, but a grown person that felt like she had to help others. There were moments where I saw the little girl, like when she held my hand and looked into my eyes with tears in hers and said “mommy I promise I won’t ever do this”. As a parent its a defeating feeling to know that this is something you can’t protect them from.

I feel I have done her a disservice though, because grief takes me over and it comes spilling out over everything in my life. While we have constantly been talking to her and checking in on her, I think she believes she needs to be strong for me. She was seeing the counselor at school and we keep reminding her that we would be able to get her into someone now to have her speak with. She keeps just saying she is ok.

She has been having a tough time sleeping, at first we chalked it up to a pre teen just trying to stay up all night playing video games, but I started to get concerned. This last week one night where I had to stay up to get ready for an over night shift (I always try to stay up as late as possible the night before), I asked her to come out of her room and sit next to me on the couch. When she sits next to me she always instinctively finds the spot where she fits perfectly into the crook of my arm and I can kiss the top of her head.

I asked if she was having trouble sleeping for any reason, she burst into tears and said “I just miss him so much.” My heart shattered into a million pieces again. She talked openly about closing her eyes and only being able to see him without life left in him. She said she doesn’t want to sleep until she is so tired she has no choice but to sleep.

There is something so wrong in having to hold your child while she sobs and wonders what she could have done differently to let Justin know he was loved. I said to her people love people in there own way. I asked her if she remembered when Justin said he was happy she was coming to his school so that he could look after her and make sure that no one ever bullied her. I asked if she remembered when we told her that Justin was transgender and wanted to be called Justin and it was something she took without questioning and was so accepting. She said she did. I said that was him showing you how much he loved you, and you showing him how much you loved him without strings attached.

I so much don’t want this pain for her. I don’t want it for anyone. Somehow though it has stolen some of her innocence and I know there is nothing I can do to change that. She writes about him in her summer journal and she has drawings of him she has done hanging all over her room.

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I feel like she lost so much more than any of us did, in all of this.

There will be professional counseling in our future. In the mean time, I will check in with her in every quiet moment, remind her that her dad and I are here for her. I lost my courageous brave nephew to these bullies, I won’t lose my sweet daughter to them.

She won’t ever be the same without him, and there is nothing I can change about that.

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Creating your own Perfect Storm

July is this beast of a month for me. I struggle, I fall, and then I just pray I get back up again.

July 31st, 2010 was a turning point in my life, I didn’t know it then, but I definitely know it now. My sister Tiffanie passed away suddenly at the age of 27. Her death took a toll on me, and it is not something I have ever recovered from.

July 28th, 2012, my cousin Greg passed away suddenly, and even though it had been many years since I saw him he was apart of my child hood that I remembered very fondly.

July 6th, 2015, my Grandpa Stan passed away after a long struggle with MS. He was such a big part of my life growing up, and the way he made any person feel like they were the most important person in the world is something this world is in desperate need of right now.

I usually start in June building myself up, getting ready to face the month. I go out more, I enjoy the sun, I spend time doing things that I love, and spending time with people that make me laugh. This June I didn’t get to do that, instead I spent the month reeling at the loss of my awesome nephew. My defenses are down and I am brewing the perfect storm for a mental break down.

My anxiety is at about a 9 almost every single day. My Depression is holding steady around a 5 or 6, most days, but I have seen a few days that spike to 10. Those days where my anxiety is a 9 and my depression is a 10, are the worst days to be around me. I get angry for no reason, I cry at everything, I can’t keep my breathing even, I don’t sleep, and I constantly berate myself for being me.

With all of these things happening, I convince myself that no one likes me, not even my co workers whom I spend the most time with in my daily life. I feel like I am a burden on my husband and I push him away. I stop going out. I go days without sleeping, then sleep for days on end. Doing anything feels like too much work. My house becomes a pit of disarray, then I struggle because I want the house to be cleaned, and I feel like I should be able to do it myself, but I can’t because it gets too out of control. I constantly worry about my daughter, and how I hope she isn’t anything like me. I lock myself in the bathroom, and cry in the shower. My inner dialog is always about something I should be doing more of. I should be losing more weight, I should be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. I should be happy because I have so many things others don’t. I am constantly telling myself how awful I am.

As this perfect storm brews, I am trying to hold it back with all the coping mechanisms I have learned. Being overly cheerful and speaking love into the world is one of those things. Hearing positive reinforcement from my husband (which he is awesome at!). Spending time with our little family, and with my friends. Actively making myself go out to be with friends or with the family. Writing lists of things I am thankful for. Deep breathing, and reminding myself that I have a 100% success rate of getting through tough times. Resting when I feel overwhelmed. Focusing on one task at a time. Writing.

This is reality for me. This is reality for a lot of people that suffer with mental illness. I just want to remind anyone that is reading this that has a perfect storm brewing in them, that you are not alone. If you need to share my umbrella, I will share it with you. Tough times don’t get to win, tough people do.

There is always something you can find to smile about

Well the last couple of days the bad side of crazy has kicked in for this crazy wife. The crazy husband is being amazing as usual. The crazy daughter is making me smile because she knows what I need. She hugs me and cuddles me. She also tries to teach me how to play minecraft…I don’t get it! haha

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This picture brings up another point, she is wearing my sacred penguin hat because she seems to lose hats and mittens like its her job. I am an extreme penguin lover. My friends all know it, even strangers know it. I have a shelf of all different types of penguins I have collected and my best friend gives me penguin stuff for every holiday/birthday! If it is or has a penguin on it is likely mine in the crazy house. Well except the penguin with the flashlight in its belly that crazy daughter got for Christmas, which I will steal one of these days! Hey don’t judge me!

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This is my coffee mug, it says keep calm and love penguins! It is comforting and it has a penguin!

Anyone else have a crazy collecting addiction? Tell me what it is, no judgement here.

So when you suffer from depression, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, seasonal affective disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder, life can get a little crazy, and add 6 feet of snow to that, it’s not good. I go into hibernation mode, don’t want to leave the house, don’t want to see people, get lost in my depression, and try to claw my way out as best I can. Right now I am struggling, why am I telling the blog world this? I want to be honest and be out there about my conditions. I am far from the only person that struggles with these things, and you know what its a disease I can’t control. Things like “Get Happy” “Think Happy Thoughts” “Just let your mind go somewhere else” don’t really help people like me. If we could do that we wouldn’t have to take pills, go to therapy, and suffer!

This crazy wife won’t give up the fight though! Just remember when you see someone you don’t know what their story is, there could be a smile on their face, but hurt in their heart and mind. Be kind, be gentle, and yes be crazy!

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Why This Crazy Wife?

This is an easy answer for those that know me. I am crazy, wacky, downright silly. One of my favorite things to say to people is that I am crazy and I have the pills to prove it. I suffer with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Most days in my life are filled with so much happiness though that I can forget about those things now (thanks to the aforementioned pills *wink wink*).

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When I told Crazy Husband about the name for the blog he said “very appropriate” and I was not offended. Crazy Husband has a lot to do with keeping me reigned in and on the fun side of crazy. He stuck through and helped me even when I was on the bad side of crazy though, he didn’t like it, well I didn’t like it either of course, but he pulled up his boots and walked straight into the dark waters to rescue me.

I like to think all this crazy is what has shaped Crazy Daughter into the spunky little 8-year-old that she is. She is empathetic, she just knows when anyone needs a hug or to hear a kind word. She is goofy, funny, silly and loves to cuddle. She has promised to cuddle with me until she is 25, she draws the line at 26 though because that is just too old apparently.

My crazy days are usually booked with working 16-18 hours on my various online business ventures. Why do I keep doing it, most people have asked, and I always answer because I get to be with Crazy Daughter when I need to be and want to be. I can step away, I can take a break, I can do her homework with her, I can snuggle up and watch a zombie movie with her. Everyone is asking themselves right now, does she really watch zombie movies with her 8-year-old? Of course not, those things are way too scary for me to watch, she watches those with her father.

Crazy husband and I aren’t out to win any parenting awards, what we are doing is hoping to raise a kind, considerate, tolerant, courageous, and wonderful girl! She likes zombies, she likes Michael Jackson, she is just unique and we love her that way.

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Everyone is a little bit crazy, we just express ourselves in a different way! Crazy is as Crazy does 🙂

Crazy Family Introductions

First is me, I am the crazy wife. 36 years old Things I love: Sunshine, Flip Flops, Doggies, Being a Mom, Interesting/Exotic foods, Baking, Cooking, Socializing, Blogging Things I don’t like: Anxiety, Depression, Being Cold, Snow, Black Liquorice, and people who … Continue reading