July is this beast of a month for me. I struggle, I fall, and then I just pray I get back up again.
July 31st, 2010 was a turning point in my life, I didn’t know it then, but I definitely know it now. My sister Tiffanie passed away suddenly at the age of 27. Her death took a toll on me, and it is not something I have ever recovered from.
July 28th, 2012, my cousin Greg passed away suddenly, and even though it had been many years since I saw him he was apart of my child hood that I remembered very fondly.
July 6th, 2015, my Grandpa Stan passed away after a long struggle with MS. He was such a big part of my life growing up, and the way he made any person feel like they were the most important person in the world is something this world is in desperate need of right now.
I usually start in June building myself up, getting ready to face the month. I go out more, I enjoy the sun, I spend time doing things that I love, and spending time with people that make me laugh. This June I didn’t get to do that, instead I spent the month reeling at the loss of my awesome nephew. My defenses are down and I am brewing the perfect storm for a mental break down.
My anxiety is at about a 9 almost every single day. My Depression is holding steady around a 5 or 6, most days, but I have seen a few days that spike to 10. Those days where my anxiety is a 9 and my depression is a 10, are the worst days to be around me. I get angry for no reason, I cry at everything, I can’t keep my breathing even, I don’t sleep, and I constantly berate myself for being me.
With all of these things happening, I convince myself that no one likes me, not even my co workers whom I spend the most time with in my daily life. I feel like I am a burden on my husband and I push him away. I stop going out. I go days without sleeping, then sleep for days on end. Doing anything feels like too much work. My house becomes a pit of disarray, then I struggle because I want the house to be cleaned, and I feel like I should be able to do it myself, but I can’t because it gets too out of control. I constantly worry about my daughter, and how I hope she isn’t anything like me. I lock myself in the bathroom, and cry in the shower. My inner dialog is always about something I should be doing more of. I should be losing more weight, I should be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. I should be happy because I have so many things others don’t. I am constantly telling myself how awful I am.
As this perfect storm brews, I am trying to hold it back with all the coping mechanisms I have learned. Being overly cheerful and speaking love into the world is one of those things. Hearing positive reinforcement from my husband (which he is awesome at!). Spending time with our little family, and with my friends. Actively making myself go out to be with friends or with the family. Writing lists of things I am thankful for. Deep breathing, and reminding myself that I have a 100% success rate of getting through tough times. Resting when I feel overwhelmed. Focusing on one task at a time. Writing.
This is reality for me. This is reality for a lot of people that suffer with mental illness. I just want to remind anyone that is reading this that has a perfect storm brewing in them, that you are not alone. If you need to share my umbrella, I will share it with you. Tough times don’t get to win, tough people do.