Over the years my dream must have changed a million times. Thanks to US immigration a lot of the time. I didn’t have a choice in those matters for a long while. Now I do feel like I have a choice. The only thing is I am starting to feel differently. Which is completely foreign to me.
There are things I am sure of though, like living in limbo is just not something I want to do anymore. I feel like I have spent years waiting and chasing after things that were never going to come to light anyway.
With my involvement in my new group, I feel like we are really going to fight the stigma of Mental Health together, as I grow into this role and it develops who I am, I am starting to feel a contentment. I have never felt this way while living here in Canada, I always felt like a visitor, like an alien almost. Now I feel like I am becoming a part of this community and its opening its arms to me.
I never thought we were setting down roots here, but looking around now I know we did. We bought Trev’s parents house. Looking through pictures tonight I see the life long friendships we have made and that Maddie has made. This is what she knows, this is the house she was born into. This is her life, and its my life too.
I think I always worry that something is missing in Maddie’s life without having family around to spoil her, no grandparents like I had when I was young. She isn’t missing that though because thats not the reality for her. She loves her life, she tells me all the time. I left my comfort zone so long ago, and I am just realizing now that I have a new one. I don’t think I understood when that took place, but maybe when I became a wife and then a mother.
I always think we need bigger and better, like we need to make all this money to not have to live pay check to pay check. We are making it though, we have a good life, we own our own home, and we have a nice vehicle. I get to stay home so I am here when Maddie gets home from school.
I feel less and less these days like we are flying without a net. I feel like Trev and I are independent, responsible, and we grow together more and more everyday. We are doing this, we are living this wonderful life together, and we are blessed.
I guess this is to say I don’t feel like running away anymore. I don’t think I will ever like the winters, but I think I am going to try to embrace them a bit more. I will stop referring to California as my home, because it hasn’t been for a very long while now. In fact my home isn’t a place at all, my home is Trev and Maddie, and I want to work on reminding myself how important that is to remember.
I am changing as a person, it happens to everyone, I know. This time though I think it is going to stick.
I am ready to stop waiting, dreaming, chasing, I am ready to do and live.
Time to get my degree in Business Management and open the cafe I have been dreaming of. It is time to stop running from something that is beautiful and start building something that is lasting.
I am ready to let go of my past dreams, and chase my new dream.