I find that writing re charges my soul. It lets me get out these thoughts that sometimes keep me awake for days at a time.
The temperature outside right now with wind chill is -15 C (5 F for my American family/friends). I am snuggled up inside a warm house rocking my olaf the snowman slippers. With a nice cup of hot tea and a soft throw blanket wrapped around me. It feels dream like in so many ways.
I am currently trying for a day of rest, I have been non stop for a while now and I am starting to feel it, and my house is starting to feel it too. Today I plan to rest, but I might have to fold laundry, and clean the bathroom, and vacuum…There isn’t such a thing as a day of rest for a working mother and wife.
I am a normal person, living a normal life, who has been extremely blessed.
Winter is a difficult time for me for many reasons, the holidays start out and make me feel like I am missing something. A deep hole that has been there since my sister passed away aches for the whole month of December with her birthday and how much she loved Christmas. Then I think back to the Christmas’ we had with my grandparents, and how some of those memories are the best memories I hold close to my heart, then the hole my Grandpa Stan left starts to ache and then the hole that my Grandpa Don left starts to ache too. With all this heart ache it makes me want to speed right through the holidays, not stopping to enjoy anything just trying to get passed it. Then I see my daughters face light up as the tree goes up, when she gets to buy presents for others, and when she gets the exact thing she wanted for Christmas. Then I remember that her spirit and her brightness can fill some of the holes that have been created.
I think its a very human instinct to want to hold onto the past because there are so many good memories that live there, but slowly we have to remember that the moments we are in now are going to become past memories too.
The days become shorter, and I find myself going to work when its dark and coming home when its dark. Either way I am missing the sun. The sun recharges me and holds my depression at bay.
Now the truth, working all the hours I have been working, from 12 hour days to 12 hour nights, I haven’t been looking after my mental health very well. My medication schedule is completely messed up, some days I am forgetting to take them for days on end, which is causing me to go into withdrawal. Withdrawal is this horrible place where my body starts to ache from top to bottom, my head spins constantly, tears come really easily, and I feel like I can’t take much more.
I haven’t been saying no to shifts because the money is nice. However, I am not being careful enough and feel like I am dropping into a black hole that is not going to be easy for me to get out of. That drop has a lot of impact on my family too.
It is far too easy to forget that depression is always there waiting to pounce. It’s easy to get into a routine of just pushing myself and pushing myself. Then it comes like a shadow and takes hold. The key to all of this though is that I realize this now, and now I can work to erase the effects I have been ignoring, and I know the tools I can use. The sun will come out tomorrow, and Ill be happy to see it.
If you or a friend suffer with depression, please remember to reach out to someone. This time of year is very tough, and having a support person is necessary! Don’t let your illness run your life, but also don’t forget that it is there or try to ignore it. Living a healthy life includes your mental health as well.