I find everything about friendship as an Adult difficult. It’s not that I have trouble making friends, I think I do alright in that department. It’s just that making a deep connection with people is difficult because of my anxiety I am constantly feeling like I am out of place or that I am not good enough.
I see pictures online, tv commercials, movies, etc. Where friends gather and drink wine together laughing. I have friends that get together with their girlfriends once a week for a pizza night. I want that! Is that realistic?
I constantly ponder why I can’t seem to make deep connections like this with more then one person. Is it me? thats always the first question that comes to mind. Is it because I was not born and raised here? Friends I have back in California from when I was in middle school I can completely imagine us getting together for wine and laughing for hours. Thats not feasible for me though being that I live 3000 miles away.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t need millions of friends. I just want a small group that is my tribe. My YAYA sisterhood! People to go out to dinner with, to go to a movie with, to sit around laughing into the wee morning hours.
I don’t know if I am past the point in my life where I can have this or not. I don’t even really know how to go about it. It feels a lot like dating, and its been quite a few years since I did any of that.
I don’t know if its a pipe dream or if things like this can happen. I think my deep desire for this also stems from not having any family near. If I lived in California, my sister would be my best friend, the kids would be together all the time, and I would be near my friends from High School who I love and adore.
I didn’t realize at the age of 35 I would feel like this awkward teenager standing in a cafeteria wondering which table to sit at.