The “norm”

I never really know what direction a day is going to take. Whether I will be able to make it through with the smile and laughter I want to feel all the time, or if it will go downhill and end in tears. 

Not that I find a day ending in tears out of the norm for me, I am an emotional person, I have always felt things really deeply. 

These last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. When struggles come around, I start to shut down and zone out. 

Its not a very good coping mechanism and something I am working hard on changing. I want to change how I think about things, I want to change the negatives to positives. I want to truly be ok with who I am, and love myself enough to let past hurt go. 

Things weighing on my mind today: 

-Maddie goes back to school Thursday, we have none of her school supplies, no new shoes for her, no nothing. 

-Our financial situation is getting worse and not better.

– We have 3 boxes of Kraft Dinner in the cupboard, nothing in the freezer, and sauces in the fridge. 

-I need to find a job, but I am scouring the job bank every day and there is nothing but a call center about 20 minutes away that i could probably get work at, but we only have one car, the hours I could work because we don’t have anyone to watch Maddie after 3 are minimal, and I am not supposed to work at call centers.

-Feeling like an outsider from my family, and having Maddie feel like that too. She has Trev and I, but is that enough?

-Feeling old, beaten, tired, sore, un worthy, depressed

I went in for a consultation for a psychiatrist (haven’t been to one in 2 years because of the way the system is set up here), she sent me home saying I was not able to concentrate and was too tired. I have insomnia  its not likely going to be better when I go to see her in 2 weeks. 

The good news is we get paid tomorrow, so that will knock a few of the things I am worried about today off the list. I, however, still need to find a job, and its probably going to have to be an over night work job of some sort. With insomnia that wouldn’t be too bad I suppose. 

The more tough life gets, the more I want to shut down. This is my reality. I don’t handle stress very well. 

This really turned into a poor me post, and I didn’t set out for it to be that way. I am going to sign off to reflect and hopefully come back with a better message. 

Wishing you all peace and love, 

Steph

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One thought on “The “norm”

  1. I don’t think this was a “poor me” post, I think you were letting things out and letting others in. I’m sorry you’re struggling with things right now. It sounds trite to say they will get better, but they will. You have so many people that care about you out there!

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