I never really know what direction a day is going to take. Whether I will be able to make it through with the smile and laughter I want to feel all the time, or if it will go downhill and end in tears.
Not that I find a day ending in tears out of the norm for me, I am an emotional person, I have always felt things really deeply.
These last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. When struggles come around, I start to shut down and zone out.
Its not a very good coping mechanism and something I am working hard on changing. I want to change how I think about things, I want to change the negatives to positives. I want to truly be ok with who I am, and love myself enough to let past hurt go.
Things weighing on my mind today:
-Maddie goes back to school Thursday, we have none of her school supplies, no new shoes for her, no nothing.
-Our financial situation is getting worse and not better.
– We have 3 boxes of Kraft Dinner in the cupboard, nothing in the freezer, and sauces in the fridge.
-I need to find a job, but I am scouring the job bank every day and there is nothing but a call center about 20 minutes away that i could probably get work at, but we only have one car, the hours I could work because we don’t have anyone to watch Maddie after 3 are minimal, and I am not supposed to work at call centers.
-Feeling like an outsider from my family, and having Maddie feel like that too. She has Trev and I, but is that enough?
-Feeling old, beaten, tired, sore, un worthy, depressed
I went in for a consultation for a psychiatrist (haven’t been to one in 2 years because of the way the system is set up here), she sent me home saying I was not able to concentrate and was too tired. I have insomnia its not likely going to be better when I go to see her in 2 weeks.
The good news is we get paid tomorrow, so that will knock a few of the things I am worried about today off the list. I, however, still need to find a job, and its probably going to have to be an over night work job of some sort. With insomnia that wouldn’t be too bad I suppose.
The more tough life gets, the more I want to shut down. This is my reality. I don’t handle stress very well.
This really turned into a poor me post, and I didn’t set out for it to be that way. I am going to sign off to reflect and hopefully come back with a better message.
Wishing you all peace and love,